Slow to Love

This post was originally a guest post at New Life Steward in September, but in light of Mother's Day weekend, I thought it would be a nice one to re-share.

My son was about a month old before I loved him. I was enchanted by him the first moment I held him, but I did not love him. I adored him the way everyone who likes children adores cute little babies, but I did not love him. I fed him, changed him, soothed him in those first few weeks, but I still did not love him.

Less than 24 hours after my perfect boy was born he was whisked away into the N-ICU (neonatal intensive care unit) where he would sit for seven days under lights for jaundice. Twelve hours after our baby was admitted my husband and I would both catch horrible colds that prevented us from visiting our newborn and since both of us couldn't visit, neither could any grandparents or family. Perhaps that traumatic first week stunted my ability to bond, perhaps not.

In the early days after our baby was finally home, my husband would change him and get him ready in the morning before he left for work. One morning he longingly told me how much he would rather be home as he coo’d to our little baby how much he loved him and daddy would miss him so much. I remember watching this display and the thought occurred to me that sure, this kid was cute, I liked him and was glad to be taking care of him, but I didn't really love him. I didn’t even know him! Then I felt awful. What kind of mother doesn't love her baby?!

My thoughts immediately went back to the birth at a moment when I was having a hard time and my girlfriend says to me “Just keep going! As soon as you see your baby you will be so in love the moment you see him, it will all be worth it!” Immediately my nurse said, “Don’t tell her that! Not all moms can bond immediately,” the nurse then turned to me and said, “it takes time for some moms and that is ok!” Mind you, I was a little busy right then, so there wasn’t much discussion after that. An hour or so later my baby was born, he was placed squalling, in my chest and my first thoughts were “Ohmigawd he looks like his dad.” followed by “eww, he is kind of gross.” 

Very motherly of me. (Also, these thoughts were not related.)

Weeks after Tyler's birth, I wandered around our apartment thinking of these things and thanked God for the conversation that my friend and nurse were having as I labored away. I cannot imagine the turmoil my soul would have been in had my friend not said “You will be so in love the moment you see him” and the nurse not replied, “It takes time.”

It takes time and that is ok. 

Those first three weeks of motherhood I held onto those words. I had people over, shared my bundle, we all exclaimed over how sweet he was (and he was). I nursed, and cuddled and dressed him, and mothered him as best I could in spite of not having yet fallen in love.

Then, one day as I was changing a diaper a large pee fountain went streaming into the air. Seconds later projectile baby poo went flying onto the wall. I looked at my tiny boy casually minding his own business there on the changing table and started laughing.  I laughed so hard, nuzzled his little cheeks and before I knew what I was saying giggled, “I love you, baby!” Yes, we bonded over poo.

I have had two more babies since then, one whom I didn’t even get to hold until she was twelve hours old. Love came much easier with each baby I had. That first delivery nurse, unknowingly said exactly the words I needed to hear to give me the grace and freedom to learn to love in my own time.

Just keep swimming...

Charlotte and I watched Finding Nemo yesterday. It's such a great movie for a million reasons, but mostly for its message about perseverance since both Nemo and his Dad have to work so hard to find each other. My favorite scene in the movie with when Dory sings "just keep swimming, hoohooohaaa". I love it, and find myself singing "just keep reading, just keep reading, reading..." The kids aren't as entertained by it as I am, but whatever. 

It's be a lot harder to keep Lily focused this week. I'm trying not to be too worried about it, but we are at the halfway point and I am telling myself we are getting somewhere with her, but then she refuses to read or do flashcards or does it even slower than when we started and I want to pull my hear out. Right when I feel like throwing in the towel, though, she pulls out a book, reads it perfectly like I know she can and I feel a little better.

It stinks because Lily reads things really well with me or to her siblings, but then people she isn't used to she stumbles and mumbles through the same things she read perfectly to me a few days before. She just needs to pull out the great reading for her teachers! 

We are plugging away over here. I'm hoping today is better than the last few days have been. 

Overcome the Lie Blog Tour

Months ago, Ashley and I were talking and she asked me to participate in the blog tour for her project Overcome the Lie. I love everything about the message, the sweet girl behind the project, all the inspirational writers and artists who are behind it... OF COURSE, I jumped at the chance to promote Overcome the Lie. Proving that God is blessing the socks off this project, so many women agreed to participate, that Ashley pushed my post date to May 1.

Oh, the irony. While I should have been posting about Overcoming the Lies I believe about myself, I was actually knee-deep in believing all kinds of ridiculousness because our daughter may need to be held back a grade and of course it was all my fault.

I was buying into the lie that because my kid isn't a great reader people would think she wasn't smart, or that I didn't help her enough, or that I was a bad mom.

I knew it wasn't true, even as I was worrying about this nonsense I knew it was all a lie. But I was finding that I was struggling to not believe it.

I knew that our family was going to need all the prayer and encouragement we could get, so I wrote out a post simply sharing the problem and our specific prayer needs. I wrote and rewrote that post a million times (ok, three) out of fear.

What are people going to think? Is this a dumb request? No one is dying or sick or hungry or homeless or unemployed or depressed... What right do I have to even ask for this level of prayer?

(You know, cuz certain types of problems deserve higher levels of prayer. A first grader with reading issues is clearly going to be on the bottom of the list. All those other people, they really need the prayer warriors.)

I went to sleep and didn't post it because at 11 pm when you are tired and emotional it's really hard to overcome those ugly lies.

8 am is, thankfully, another story. I posted our prayer requests and rushed off to meet my friend Rosario, who blog post or not, is my biggest personal prayer warrior. That girl prays for us in a way that is truly life changing. I shared that we needed more prayer and she smiled and said, "I pray for you and your family everyday!"

By the time Lily came home from school there were dozens and dozens of emails, texts, facebook messages, even a couple tweets and instagram messages, for Lily. They came from several states, a couple different countries and made my geography loving son flip.

When I told Lily that she got a message from a missionary friend in Peru and another friend in Massachusetts, the kids excitement went through the roof. My son saying, "Lily got a message from a missionary in Peru* and someone in Massachusetts??" with the same level of awe and excitement as if I had told him she had gotten a message from his favorite superhero. Because to two kids in California, Peru and Massachusetts might as well be the moon.

Lily read a few of the messages, grinning from ear to ear and I held back tears, because God used your prayers and encouragement for my girl and our family to help me overcome the lies (and ensure that they never touch my girl) in ways I never could have imagined.


*ps read Dalaina's book, Yielded Captive. It's awesome! I stayed up all night reading it. Couldn't. Put. It. Down. Look, I even gave you a link, so go buy it!

Calling all my prayer warriors!

So this week we found out that despite our recent efforts, our daughter, Lily is still really struggling with reading. So much so, that despite having good grades in every other subject at school, her teachers want to hold her back next year - unless she can make HUGE, and I mean HUGE strides in the next two and half weeks.

I am really struggling with sharing this, because when your kid struggles in school it is so hard not to blame yourself.  Did we do enough to help her? Should we have started her in kinder earlier, should we have given her an extra year in preschool? Do people think I'm a bad mom because I didn't do certain things? Are people going to think my kids aren't smart? Blah, blah, blah, blah.

(Yeah, I know. I'm really good at making stuff about me. Working on that.)

The situation is what it is. Maybe it is my fault, maybe it isn't. My pride is flaring up big time as I think about my friends whose preschoolers and kindergartners read better than my first grader. When I say how many words a minute my kid reads, and people comment, "Wow, that is low!" my heart sinks, I feel bad for my kid, and I might, a teeny bit, want to throw a pie in their face, even though they are merely stating the obvious.

And if they are judging, who cares? We have two and a half weeks to perform a miracle. Because seriously that is really what's needed, as silly as it might sound, seeing as on the Grand Scale of Sucky Situations this probably wouldn't even make the Scale. But to us and to Lily, it's a big deal.

Can you pray with us for:

• Endurance. We have been reading with Lily for two hours every day. She reads an hour when she gets home from school and another 45 mins to an hour at night. So far she has had a great attitude about it, but I cannot imagine it will last. Two hours a day is a long time for an adult, let alone a kid! She will seriously need your prayers to keep it up! 
• Patience. For me. Because keeping a 7 year old motivated to do something she is not naturally good at and isn't "clicking" for her, takes some major patience on my part. Also, pray that Lily has patience with me, too, because I will likely at some point, yell at her because I am tired and cranky and we all know yelling is a totally awesome motivational tool. NOT.
• Teachers and Tutors. Lily has an outstanding team of teachers and tutors who are working hard to help her meet her goals. Yup, I said team. Her classroom teacher, reading teacher, after school reading tutor and volunteer moms at the school are all working to help my girl in addition to Aaron and me, Tyler and even, little Charlotte, who is happily loving all the stories now being read to her. It's a reading boot camp around here, I tell ya!
• Peace. The odds are not "ever in our favor" for this, so we would definitely covet your prayers for peace for whatever happens, because not meeting the goal sets in motion a bunch of stuff we aren't excited about having to do, like you know, switching schools or actually holding her back next year.
• Encouragement. Oh my word, this is one heck of a discouraging situation, with lots of people offering advice and advice and more advice, but what we need is really encouragement. We have a plan, we are working towards her goals, so please offer encouragement first advice second (if at all). Take a second to comment on this post to Lily with a note to keep her going! It will count as reading practice, after all!!

On Monday we told Lily that we would do something spectacular if she was able to reach her goals and what did that darling girl say she wanted? "Mommy, I want to make the biggest ice cream sundae ever with 60 flavors and invite all our friends and family." and she proceeded to list off all her friends and family and classmates she wanted to come to the party.

So, there you have it, our big, huge prayer need with the promise of an epic ice cream party if we can all make this happen!

Sweet and Sour BBQ Sauce

Nice weather equals grilling weather, or if you are my mom, all weather is grilling weather. Thankfully, in California, grilling weather is pretty much year round, even here in the Sacramento Valley. We lived in St. Louis, MO for most of my childhood, where grilling weather was reserved for the warm summer months. Not for my mom, though. One of my earliest cooking memories is of her bundled up against the snow, turning meat on the grill in February.  That is commitment to the craft, man. Or at least dinner.

There is something about cooking outside that makes everything taste better. Even in February. A few years ago we were given a grilling cookbook that changed my BBQ habits forever. First, on the rare occasions we buy meat and make hamburgers, I now have some amazing hamburger recipes that are amazing if I do say so myself, but that is another post for another day.

Second, I will never, ever, EVER buy another bottle of BBQ sauce again. Ever. "No, no, no never again! NEVER!" Can you name that movie? If you know me in real life I have likely made you watch it with me at least once.

Where was I? Oh yeah, BBQ sauce. So, this cookbook had great basic recipes for BBQ sauces and a few variations. Of course, being the rule breaker that I am, I ditched the cookbook and made up my own recipe. I have made it twice now, and before I could get a picture of the hamburgers I made with it, then the chicken drumsticks, we ate them all like locusts. Yes, it's that good. 

Sweet and Sour BBQ Sauce

1 c Organic Ketchup

1/8 c Sweet Thai Chili sauce

2 T Worcestershire sauce

1 T red wine vinegar

1 T Hot Chili sauce (sriracha)

1 t Chinese 5 Spice

1 Garlic clove, minced

In a small saucepan combine all the ingredients and bring to a slow boil over med-low heat. Stir occasionally.  Allow the sauce to reduce until it is thick and covers the back of a spoon. It’s that easy.

Doubt in the Face of Tragedy

For the second time this week, I went to bed with a heart so heavy it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. For the second time this week, I woke up and turned on the TV and a deep ache settled into the pit of my stomach as I watched coverage of Texas. I have seen images and heard voices shrill with fear that I never want to see again. I bet you have too.

I am holding tight to the promise that God redeems all evils for good. I may never understand what that "good" is in this life, but someday, in heaven, we will understand all. Not having all the answers and full understanding of why such horrible things happen can shake many people's faith. It can sometimes really shake mine.

Just like sometimes, having faith in one's marriage is a daily choice, so is having faith in God's goodness. In times like this, I get up every day and choose to trust God. I have to. I have to believe that He can redeem what some meant for evil for good. I have to believe that His ways are better than mine. I have to believe that His understanding is clearer than mine.

God is good, He is constant and He hasn't left us, even when it feels like it, and oh, how it feels like it, sometimes.

I've been meaning to share the online feed of the current series on Doubt that our church is in the midst of. When Pastor Craig started this series, I'm sure he couldn't have dreamed that halfway through, we would all be plunged into mourning for our brothers and sisters in Boston and now Texas. Craig couldn't have known that some of us would see the destruction and pain and cry out, asking God where the heck he was during the explosions and fire of this week. But God knew, and for that, I am so thankful for this series on doubt right now.

Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt
Know Doubt
I Doubt All This is True

His Voice Guest Post at beautiful & beloved

"How much does God love us? How big and deep and wide is His love? How far does it reach and what does it conquer and what does it look like? There are songs and poems and books written about how God loves us and still I struggle with trying to understand what His love looks like. Trying to wrap my mind around love that big has always difficult. 

I have a husband who is kind and thoughtful and patient and selfless and dead sexy and still makes my stomach do flip flops after fourteen years together. I look at him and I think how I cannot believe I love him more today than I did the day I married him twelve years ago. Knowing that in twelve more years I will love him more than I do today is exciting and frightening. I’m looking at him all googly eyed and goofy and suddenly I realize this love I have for my husband doesn't come close to how God loves me..." read the rest of this post at beautiful & beloved

Amber, from beautiful & beloved, is kindly having me guest post on her blog to talk about His Voice - small ways God is speaking to us in our daily lives. Today, I am talking about God's love. I know, I know, not exactly groundbreaking theological stuff, here, but often the simplest, most obvious things are the hardest to see. Alright, maybe just for me.

I hope that you will join us there and let us know what you think. Be sure to read Amber's posts on her struggles with being a Godly wife, and her adorable crafting tutorials, including this infinity t-shirt scarf. I now want to make a million of them!